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TRUSTING GOD THROUGH ENDOMETRIOSIS

Since the moment my husband and I got married we started praying for children. We both knew we wanted to start a family right away. As time went by, doctor visits became more frequent and I ended up in the emergency room with intense pain and unexplained, abnormal bleeding. I was told nothing was wrong and to go home. I lost count of how many times I was told this. “Nothing is wrong, this is normal.” I knew it wasn’t normal to hurt 24/7 for months straight, to bleed for up to three weeks straight,

TRUSTING GOD THROUGH ENDOMETRIOSIS

“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” — Psalm 139:14 KJV

Since the moment my husband and I got married we started praying for children. We both knew we wanted to start a family right away.
As time went by, doctor visits became more frequent and I ended up in the emergency room with intense pain and unexplained, abnormal bleeding. I was told nothing was wrong and to go home. I lost count of how many times I was told this.

 “Nothing is wrong, this is normal.”

 I knew it wasn’t normal to hurt 24/7 for months straight, to bleed for up to three weeks straight, and to be to the point where my husband would have to carry me to the bathroom because the pain was so bad I couldn’t walk by myself. I finally got a diagnosis of something I had been dealing with since I was 13 years old.

Endometriosis.

During this visit to the doctor I was also told that due to my age, (25, which is young, but with endometriosis and for someone who hasn’t had kids, is old. Since the average hysterectomy age for someone with endometriosis is 30-35) and the severity of my symptoms I would most likely never get pregnant on my own. I was a mess, we were a mess. That diagnosis was God asking me “If I don’t give you what you want and expect would you still choose me?” I did. I chose God, I chose to love Him despite not having what I so much want and desire. I decided that his grace was sufficient for me and to trust that his plans for me are far better than anything I ever planned for myself. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

But, the journey to deciding to choose God was tough. I wanted things my way and thought it would only be fair to get my way because “I was faithful” to God. It took me a down a long road called depression avenue to realize that being faithful to God also meant trusting in His time and HIS desires and plans for my life. But, I let my depression get so bad that I felt like there was no way out and I was put on this world just to suffer. The Bible says over and over again to just let God handle it, but it is so hard as humans to just let go of things and let God work. I found myself with thoughts like this running through my head:
*YOU are not good enough to be a mom.
*God doesn’t trust YOU with another human being.
*You are broken, you are broken. YOU. ARE. BROKEN.
*YOU are less of a woman because you can’t have babies.
I was born again. I was a Christian. I love God. I love my husband. But I was in a deep and dark depression. I became really good at “fake it till you make it”, at having a smile from ear to ear while I was being consumed inside with depression.
On December 4th, 2017 after leaving the doctor’s office God used my pastor’s wife to ask me this question “Would God’s grace be sufficient for you?” I chose grace.
Now, I still cry. I still pray for a baby. I still hurt physically, but HE (God) has made my burden light, (Matthew 11:28-30).

WHAT HAS HELPED ME:

*Praising God! When I am having a pain episode or find those thoughts creeping back in, I praise, “Rejoice in the Lord, He makes no Mistakes” is my favorite to sing. I sing that part over and over!!
* Being thankful. Thanking God for giving me the strength to get through it ALL.
*Understanding that HE chose me for this and HE will carry me through.
*It is ok to say “I am not ok” It is not ok to let being not ok consume you. I let it, for 5 LONG months and those are 5 months I will never have back to make a difference.

I no longer feel broken, or less of a woman or that God doesn’t trust me to parent. Now I am thankful because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Even with my extra growths! For that, I will repay HIM by choosing joy!

 

Te alabare; porque formidables, maravillosas son tus obras; estoy maravillado,y mi alma lo sabe muy bien. Salmo 139:14 RVR1960

Desde el momento en que mi esposo y yo nos casamos empesamos a orar por hijos, pues saviamos que queriamos empesar una familia imediatamente.

Paso el tiempo y las visitas al doctor se isieron mas frequentes. Asta que pare en la sala de emergensias con mucho dolor y sangrado que no era normal. Me dijero que no tenia nada y que me fuera a mi casa, perdi cuenta de cuantas veses me dijeron esto, “no tienes nada todo esta normal.” Mas yo savia que dolor las 24/7 y sangran por asta tres semanas seguidas no era normal al punto en que mi esposo me tenia que cargar al baNo por que yo no podia camir sola. Por fin me dieron un diagnostico a algo que tenia batallando desde que tenia trece aNos. Endometriosis. Durante esta visita al doctor Tambien me dijeron que por la edad que tengo (25, que es joven pero para alguin con endometriosis y alguien que nunca ah tenido hijos ya es unada edad major pues en general alguin con endometriosis tiene una historectomia entre los 30-34 anos) y lo grabe de mis sintomas probablemte nunca vaya a quedar embarasada naturanlemte. Esto me destroso. Con ese diagnositco Dios me pregunto “si no te doy lo que deseas, aun me escojerias a mi?” ese dia escoji a Dios, escoji amarlo a pesar de no tener lo que tanto eh querido y deseado, desidi que su gracia seria suficiente para mi, 2nda de Corintios 12:9, y el comfiar que sus planes serian mucho major que mis propios planes.
Pero la jornada para llegar ahi fue dura. Yo queira las cosas como yo las queria y pensaba que como le era fiel al Senor lo justo era que me las diera. Me tomo un largo camino por la Avenida depression para darme cuenta que ser fiel al Senor Tambien era comfier en sus tiempos y en SUS planes para mi vida. Pero deje que la depression se saliar de control al punto de pensar que ya no avia salida y que solo estaba en esta vida para sufrir. La Biblia dise una y otra vez que dejemos ir nuestras ansiedades y se las demoas a Dios, pero es dificil como humanos dejar que Dios traveje. Me encontre varias veses con pensamientos en mi Cabeza como:
• Tu no sirves para ser mama.
• Dios no te confia con otro humano.
• No sirves, no sirves, NO SIRVES.
• Eres menos mujer por que no puedes tener bebes.
Soy Cristiana. Amo a Dios. Amo a mi espero. Pero estaba en un fondo obscuro de depression. Me comberti en una professional en finjir estar bien, a tener una sonrisa de oreja a oreja.

En Diciembre 4 del 2017 despues de salir de esa cita con la doctora Dios uso a la esposa de mi pastor para preguntarme “Seria suficiente la gracia de Dios para ti?” escoji gracia.

Todavia lloro, toodavia le pido a Dios un bebe, toda via tengo problemas fisicos, pero EL ah echo mi carga lijera. Mateo 11:28-30.
Que me ayudo:
*Orar y alabar! Cuanto tengo dolor fisico oh esos pensamientos empiesan a pasar por mi mente orar es lo unico que puedo aser.
*ser agradecida: dar gracias a Dios por que me da las fuerzas para seguir.
*entender que EL me escojio para esto y EL me sostendra.
*esta bien el desir “no estoy bien” lo que no esta bien es quedarte ahi. Yo me quede ahi por 5 meses y ese es tiempo que nunca lo podre recuperar.
Ya no siento que no sirvo, que soy menos mujer oh que Dios no confia en mi para ser mama. Aora estoy agradecida por que me ah echo maravillosamete asta con mis cresimientos de mas! Por eso el pagar escojiendo ser alegre!

*emdometriosis en cuando ay cresimientos en el utero, los ovaries, y se puede pasar a otros organos.

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